Scooby-Doo
NC (looking irritated): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't ha- what the fuck am I doing? No really, what the fuck am I doing?! I'll tell ya what I'm doing: Scooby-Doo the douche-horse movie! Opening to the Scooby-Doo movie NC: Yeah, fuck it! Here's what I think of the movie: it fucking sucks, the end! End credits start to roll, but stop almost immediately after NC: No, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time... is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well that's pretty sad," well yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well that's a pretty sad existence," well yeah, it is a pretty sad existence (picks up Scooby-Doo DVD) JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT SCOOBY FUCKING DOO! (throws down DVD) I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club- okay I've gone to a couple strip clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like (makes a suggestive gesture)... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well I'll tell ya who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer... Clips from the film NC (voiceover): ...because I was too lazy to find any clips that were actually visually interesting for you, and I of couse talk over it. NC: I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am aware, I am, nothing's going to make it any different. (sigh) It's not like I could just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him. There is a white flash which cuts to a younger version of the Nostalgia Critic. It is Doug wearing a wig simmilar to his haircut from the 90's, he as acne on his face, and talks with an agnsty teenage accent. He has a copy of Scooby Doo. *'Perfect''' by The Smashing Pumpkins is playing in the background.'' Young Critic: Alright, Scooby Doo The Movie!!! This is gonna be so clever and (sees present Critic and acts surprised. NC acts surprised as well) DAHH! NC: DAHH! What the hell!?!? YC: Holy shit, it's like looking into the future! NC: Is that me from the past? YC: Oh hey, does the internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? It's porn, isn't it? NC: Wait a minute, this doesn't make any sense. How am I able to talk to my younger self? YC: I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm about to watch the awesome Scooby Doo movie! It's great because I remember Scooby Doo existed, and this movie remembers that Scooby Doo existed. So it's really tapping into my childhood...(pauses, can't describe the word)...''What's the word I'm looking for? NC: "Nostalgia"? YC: Nah, that's not it. NC: Well look, Younger Me, whatever you do, don't watch that piece of crap. YC: What?! But they say it's a satirical, hip new look at the characters I know and love. NC: But it's not done well. It's just a cooperate sellout. YC: (''drops DVD) Well forget it. I hate corporate sellouts. They're all narcs! They can all kiss my ass! Hey by the way, what's it like making bajillions of dollars selling your ideas? NC: (Remembers the incident at the end of "A Simple Wish" Review) ''Uh, yeah, um... little word of advice from your future self, uh, you may not wanna keep making those videos. YC: What? Why not? NC: Trust me. They're not as good as you think they are. YC: But what the hell do you know you stupid, closed-minded narc? NC: I'm YOU, you dumass! YC: Yeah? Well, how do I know the cooperations didn't get to ya? How do I know they didn't find ya and like brainwash you into talking to your younger self convincing him not to make the greatest movies of all time? NC: I'm not making this up. Listen to me. This is totally believable...You need to stop because Mara Willson, the little girl from ''Mrs. Doubtfire, is going to find them and blackmail you with them years later. YC: (does not look convinced) Dude, is that seriously the best you could come up with? NC: Oh my god! If only you could see the future so you can understand what's in store for you. There is another white flash which cuts to the Nostalgia Critic of the Future, best known for looking and acting like Doc Brown of "Back to the Future". He too is holding a copy of the DVD. Old Critic: DAHH! NC: DAHH! YC: Awesome! OC: What are you doing here? Or what am I doing here? Or what is going on here? NC: I don't know. It's like all these different parts of my life are coming together; The past, present, and future. All I wanted to do was watch the fucking Scooby Doo movie! OC: Wait! I was going to put it on too. My memory of Scooby Doo is so bad I was going to put it on to see if I could remember it. *Shivers* NC: But, wait. Both I and the young me were going to watch it too. OC: Great SCCCCCCCCOTT!!! We're all going to watch the same movie! YC: Yeah? So? OC: And somehow it caused a temporal anomaly in time. Hmm...We best watch this movie together Critic. Someting tells me that all the answers to our questions may be in this film. NC: Oh trust me, this film has no answers. YC: Speak for yourself, Narc! NC: OH SHUT UP, YOU PRETENTIOUS LITTLE... OC: HEY!!! Don't make me split myself apart! YC: He started it. Narc. NC: Well, let's figure out and see what is going on. Let's watch The Scooby Doo Movie. (Movie begins with the opening titles. a modernized pop version of the Scooby Doo theme song is played) NC voiceover: So the film opens with, big shock, a pop song. YC voiceover: Yeah but so what? The original had pop songs too. NC voiceover: Yeah, and I'm sure that never dated either, just like having Sandy Duncan (shows 'title card from The Scooby Doo Movies, featuring Sandy Duncan)',' ''or The Harlem Globetrotters (shows an image of Scooby and the gang with The Harlem Globetrotters). YC: Who? NC: Exactly! (''cuts back to movie. the setting is an abandoned factory.) NC voiceover: So after listening to...i don't know. "Scoob Doggy Dogg", We start with a caper going on. (The Luna Ghost crashes through a glass window. Daphne is held captive as always.) NC voiceover: ...or rather the end of a caper actually. (Fred, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby are hidden all over the factory. Fred looks at a mirror checking how awesome he is.) Velma: Shockingly, Daphenie has been captured again. When the Luna Ghost rounds the corner with Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will pop out of the barrell... Fred: ...Then you'll activate the conveyer belt, spilling the vat of oil onto the floor. OC: (''looking confused) ''Uhh..Did we fast forward a few scenes? NC: Yeah, it's weird. Isn't it? NC voiceover: They're giving you a taste of what the capers of the show was like, but you wouldn't really get that unless you grew up watching the show.